Deeper problem that needs to be addressed?
Okay I will give you some background into my life before I explain my current situation.
I’m almost 16, overweight (have been my entire life).
My parents are still married and I have two older siblings (19 and 28).
I always have been more comfortable at school and I constantly used to fake illnesses and migraines to get out of going. I had friends and was semi-popular, but I just would rather be at home.
I entered high school last year and none of my friends came with me… I lost touch and now don’t really have any friends at all.
I used to be a straight A student, but my marks have dropped out of sheer lack of motivation and interest.
In late November of 2008 I experienced a very bad anxiety attack while preparing for school. I have not attended since and I am currently doing an at home program with my school.
Ever since that one episode I experience extreme anxiety even when thinking of speaking to a stranger or large group face to face. I have always been shy, but never anxious.
After missing school and failing a class for the first time in my life the depression set in. I tried to hide it, but my mom caught on and I was sent to a therapist. I can’t be honest with her… I trust my therapist, but I constantly find myself lying and dodging questions.
I have been asked several times if I have suicidal thoughts, everytime I respond "No".
In reality, that isn’t the truth… I constantly find myself wishing for death. I know that I could never do it, I wouldn’t be able to put that kind of pain on my family. I did once however take 5x the recommended dosage of potassium pills when I was extremely depressed. I regretted it afterwards and hated myself even more for being so selfish. I told my mother, but only said that I was trying to avoid getting a leg cramp ( I get them from low potassium levels).
She believed me because I am the sensible child who would never do that, especially since my sister has overdosed in the past.
Now my anxiety is being handled, but the depression isn’t going anywhere. I hate that my life has been disrupted because of all of this.
I can’t do my school work or attempt to loose weight because I have no motivation to benefit myself. I hate myself… everything physical about me I hate.
I am an intelligent and creative person, I know this, but being overweight overshadows that. I have tried and failed with diets and plans over and over.
I miss being "normal" but I can’t bring myself to take the neccessary steps to get back there. I am supposed to be returning to school within the next few weeks to gradually prepare myself for next year. I am terrified because I don’t want anyone to see that I am still overweight. I am also afraid to face some of the students. Last year there was an incident in my science class where a few of the male students thought it would be funny to "hit on" the fat girl. While the lights were out (for an experiment) my personal space was invaded and I felt violated (he touched my back as he passed behind me) it wasn’t a huge deal, but I was affected by it.
Now I am to the point where I only see two options…. live or give in.
I don’t know what to do. I hate to cause anymore stress for my family but I don’t know if I can pretend for their sake anymore.
I have always been more comfortable at home**
I guess I should not have made it so long… everyone replies to the short answers for a reason.